Self Help: Sacred Stones Parodies
by Numdenu
Summary: We all agree, don't we? All the good parodies are for Rekka no Ken and Path of Radiance. Well, doesn't Sacred Stones deserve a good parody, too? Here's something to go by if you plan to write such a story.


Holy crap, I have no idea why I'm writing this.

Chibi Link: Ah, yet another wonderful Sacred Stones OneShot. Is Seth going to go bonkers again?

No, I'm just sick and tired of all the crap. There isn't a single decent Sacred Stones parody out there… except this one I saw, but it never got off the ground. There _is_ no straight, pure parody for this game! It's all "Rekka no Ken" this, and "Path of Radiance" that, and yadda yadda yadda, and has it ever occurred to anyone that maybe there is someone who's only played ONE Fire Emblem game, and have they ever thought it might be SACRED STONES?

CL: Woah, chill out! You're getting a little too…too…damn, where's an adjective when you need one?

Look, the people out there need some kinda message…and I PLAN TO GIVE IT TO 'EM!

CL: No riot, please.

…Sorry. Anyway, this is just a general list of good ideas that people should consider when writing a parody, and also some things not to do…unless it's part of something bigger.

CL: You're too soft.

Shaddup, Muse.

CL: Yadda yadda yadda! Yak yak yak yak yak yak!

That's it! SECURITY!

CL: You have security?

Yup. Alphonse Elric. That's my security!

CL: …I'll be good….

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_Dedicated to all those authors who have posted fanfics in an attempt to make out site a better place, whether by bashing the don'ts or explaining the do's._

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Ah, finally. Something that claims to be a good parody of Fire Emblem: Sacred Stones. The reviews say it's good. The summary says it's better. One clicks on the link to read the story, hungrily awaiting nothing but insane goodness….

_What the-?_ Nothing but game text as far as the eye can see. Nothing random, or even remotely different, save for maybe the sarcastic voice of the narrator, or that one OC thrown in. But the characters aren't amusing! They're stiff! That's not funny; that's BORING. It doesn't even deserve a review.

There aren't enough of those truly good parodies of Sacred Stones. Nope, nothing. Nada. As far as the eye can see, blank space. Why did one even bother playing the game, anyway?

Well, if you're going to write something on it, of course! Even a funny OneShot counts as a contribution! But what if you're after a juicy epic of randomness? Well, let me go into a little detail about what I mean by "Let's improve those parodies"….

**Board-Less**

You don't have to be a slave to the game text. If you are, the characters will seem dull, and that's a no-no.. Remember, people have read that text before, in the game itself. So you can't recite it to them, or else they'll just click the "Back" button and not even leave a review on the way out. You need to present your readers with something different. Something they haven't heard before. Game dialogue as a Bible makes your story a _novelization_, not a parody. And you're aiming for the latter, aren't you?

I will kindly provide an example in the all too familiar prologue battle scenario, where Seth and Eirika have just finished taking down those three axemen and are moving on to Frelia.

_"Well, in any case" Seth panted, "we should move onto-"_

"_Seth, I know, now shut up," Eirika snapped. "Get to Frelia, and then we sit on our bums drinking Earl Grey while Grado just has fun traipsing around and running people over with ballistae."_

_Seth glared. "If you would be so kind as to let me finish my sentence next time-"_

"_Seth, who's Crown Princess?" asked Eirika snottily._

"………"

_"Good boy."_

It's hard to get a good feel for the characters' personalities in such a short piece of writing, but as you can see, it's at least somewhat more amusing then reading the game script over again.

**Random and Happy**

When people read parodies, they like humor to come from unexpected places. Take a scenario and have fun toying with it. See what you can come up with, and then just write it down. If it's good enough, you may want to make it a chapter, or a running gag. In the short space provided here, all I can really do is provide a quick example.

This one takes place later, when Eirika's group finds out that Innes is in trouble in Terraz Plateau. Seth pitches an idea to get there fast….

_"So yadda yadda yadda, oh, Innes is in trouble," finished the messenger before mounting her Pegasus and taking off._

_Eirika sighed. "Great. Just great. How are we gonna get there fast enough to save Innes? Not that we need to, really, be he'd be nice to drag along…."_

"_Milady!" Seth stood up heroically. "I have…a cunning plan!"_

"_Okay…you can tell I'm desperate. What is it?" Eirika moaned._

"_Well…" explained Seth, "we take a giant catapult…and then we hurl over all our troops with it!"_

"_Two things: One, about half our troops, including me, would die when they hit the ground. And two…WHERE THE HECK ARE WE GONNA GET A GIANT CATAPULT?"_

One wonders where the catapult came from, but loves the effect nonetheless. Also, if one wanted, Seth's "cunning plans" could become a running gag or chapter of its own.

**Don't Forget to Bash**

If you need something amusing to stick in real quick, bash someone. Everybody plays the fool, and the cast of Sacred Stones is no exception. If it's a parody, someone's gotta take one for the team in the name of amusement. Or several people. Or maybe everyone does. Whether it's yet another running gag, or just a quick space filler, there's most likely gonna be bashing somewhere.

The following example features…yes, it's Eirika and Seth. Well, Ephraim's there too, but still. When the Princess of Renais needs to take her anger out on something….

_"I don't get it! Why can't I be in a skirmish?" Eirika whined._

_Ephraim sighed. "Because, you are the almighty level 20, and other people need the experience."_

"_But I wanna kill something!"_

"_Not now, sis."_

"_I WANNA KILL!" Eirika's eyes started glowing red as she leapt at her brother. Fortunately, said brother ducked, so Eirika was sent hurtling teeth first into…Seth's arm._

_Seth yelped in pain. "AAAAAAHHHHH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! AUUUUUUGH! THE PAIN!"_

Bashing can be physical or verbal, minor or epic. A variety of methods is less boring than the same thing over and over, like killing everyone. That just doesn't do it; it's the exact opposite of bashing variety.

**Take from Experience**

Another good idea is to take something simple from your own game, and look at it in a different way, or twist it somewhat. The result can be very amusing. Heck, this principle is the parent of some of the best gags out there! One could write an entire story based off that one little thing that happened to them.

The example here uses two completely different characters, Amelia and Knoll. She's heard of low stats, but this is ridiculous!

_"I HAVE NO LUCK!" Knoll proclaimed to the skies, looking quite distraught._

_Amelia peeked out from behind a tree. "Aww, come on, everybody's got some kinda luck stat!"_

"_Yeah…zero."_

"_Zero?"_

"_YES! My luck stat is ZERO! NADA! NOTHING! IT MIGHT AS WELL NOT EXIST!" Knoll shouted._

_Amelia blinked. "Wow…that's just sad."_

_"I KNOW! NOW GET LOST!"_

Take something as simple as a virtually nonexistent stat from your own play experience, and throw it into a parody for a good effect.

**Someone Different Every Now and Then**

Sometimes, you might want to toss in someone or something completely different. That's okay; it can make the story more enjoyable. For instance, you might notice that one character looks like another one from a completely different game, or an amine, or a book, and so on. You might get the urge to pitch that person in…and if you do it right, there's nothing wrong with it. And if you follow all my other tips, it's very hard to get this one wrong.

Ephraim returns in this example, with his trusted cavalier Forde. But one has a cousin who looks suspiciously like himself, causing a bit of confusion for the other.

_"Okay, men. I admit it…we're screwed," Ephraim confessed as Valter and his troupe of wyvern riders surrounded the group, blocking their escape from Renvall._

_One of the wyvern riders charged in at them. "Heehee! Prepare to be pot roast! Heeheeh-" he cackled before falling down dead. A figure whizzed through the shadows, dispatching another rider and spooking all the wyverns, which wasn't pretty._

_Yes, all the riders were carried off at breakneck speed as their wyverns wheeled homeward. The figure stepped forth then to reveal itself in the light…._

"_Forde?" Ephraim asked. "Forde, how did you get over there? I thought you were-" he turned around to find the cavalier in question wide-eyed and mounted. "But…Forde, who is this guy? Are you even Forde? I'm…confused…."_

_Forde (on the horse) perked up. "Oh, that's my cousin Ed! Hey Ed! Long time no see!"_

Apparently, Forde has a cousin named "Ed" from somewhere, obviously not anywhere within Magvel. This just screams amusing in an unexpected sort of way. (Yes, I know all you FMA fans are reading this and going completely slack-jawed.)

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So, let's recap, shall we?

**Board-Less**

The game text isn't a Bible. Create your own dialogue.

**Random and Happy**

Don't be afraid to ad-lib and stick just about anything in there. Someone will like it.

**Don't Forget to Bash**

Get a character to take one for the team. Physical or verbal, minor or epic, it doesn't matter.

**Take from Experience**

Warping one little incident can lead to wonderful things. Look everywhere, remember everything, and use it.

**Someone Different Every Now and Then**

It's okay to cross over every now and then, just to add to the randomness factor. You don't even need a reason.

Now, I've given you some basic rules. It's up to you to follow them and see what you come up with. Good luck!

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Oh, and don't be all "OMFG COPIER!" if you see some of the example scenarios in a parody; I plan to write my own, okay?

CL: Ooooohhh…when?

Whenever I finish one of the fanfics I'm working on.

CL: I'm guessing Rambtings.

Yeah, I hate that one.

Al: O.o Nii-san?

Errm…right, well, I hope I helped someone…


End file.
